Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in my_soul_4_ana's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
11:00 am	i found this somewhere and just wanted to share it: My dear friend, I was just wondering... Why aren't you perfect yet? Last night when you were propped in front of the TV, that fat ass sinking low into the couch, did you forget about me? You can't close me like a can of Pringles. You can't just redeem yourself with a few sit-ups and a diet Coke. While you were watching TV last night, I was standing behind you, waiting for you to remember me. I was choking on my disgust. (Even the back of your neck is fat.) And when you did remember me, when you put down that food, turned off the TV and went to the bathroom to stare, blank like livestock, like a cow, into the mirror--- it still wasn't enough. Don't you know by now that I demand more? More sweat, more deprivation, more pills, more vomit, more hatred. You don't hate yourself nearly enough. Don't try to burry me under a cheeseburger and a smile. You know I'll claw my way back to the surface. Just give in to me. We'll have a great time--- you'll see. Everyone will notice us when we're walking arm in arm. All your ex-lovers, all your childhood bullies, all the beautiful girls, and the beautiful men... As your skin begins to cling like wet paper to that beautiful set of bones, they'll stare. They'll name that stare disgust, and even if we know it is, we'll call it envy. We'll lean on the wind as we walk among them, thinner than ghosts. Let's not fight about which of us sought the other out. Let's just tell everyone that we met at a party, or between the pages of a magazine. What matters, is that I'm here now. I'm here now, and you'll never be alone again. Never. xoxo, ED wow arent i a sharing little individual today! Current Mood: gloomy (7 Comments |Comment on this)
8:40 am	I'm about to break I guess I missed it I'm addicted to your lure And I'm feeling for a cure Every step I take Leads to one mistake I keep going right back To the one thing that I need... And it hurts my soul Cos I can't let go All these walls are caving in I can't stop my suffering I hate to show that I've lost control Cos I, I keep going right back To the one thing that I need to walk away from lyrics from a song. beautiful words filled with emotion and pain. one i easily relate too. words can express more then i can release myself. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
2:34 pm	argh i feel like i havent been here for ages..... so much shit has been going on! the doctos was bad bad bad, he said i must get to 100 or im into IP. well i retaliated and overdoesd on diet pills and ended up in hospital all of saturday with stupid tests yes idiots i admitted i took the pills!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and pyschs talking shit and i ended up haveing a bitch fit at one of them and she sent me away cos i was to much for her well WHAT the hell did she expect i just almost had a heart attack i had stitches in my arm and i am being forced to eat. of course i am not happy! what a mess. i have the doctor on wednesday and then again on friday and if i havent made any improvmet i am going into hospital. i dont give a shit though, i dnt care anymore i am not hiding it and being sneaky cos i just realy dont care, this is me. i am different i dont eat like a pig, i eat when i need to, theres more to life then fricking food, i am superior to them as far as i care! and i wont listen to them at all i am blocking them out because i know they want to get into my head and take this away, and if i wake up and his isnt with me anymore how the hell do i live? ill try to come on throughout the week to let anyone who reads this know if i am going into IP. god i need a miracle (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
8:33 am	its my one month anniversary of since i first wrote a diarly entry..... i read my entries, they get sadder everytime. I think the further i fall the more messed up my mind becomes...... GOD for all those ana wanna bes if only they could see this side to anorexia, then perhaps they wouldnt be so naive and idiotic. I do not know why they want to be anorxic, i do know of ppl who want to be anorexic and claim they are when they eat 1000 cals a day and obsess over ppl like nicole richie and then complain about their own bodies. That to me isnt anorexia, thats just being vain and wanting o fit in somewhere. Any ppl i know who do struggle like i do with everyday life i have realy connected to them and i realy cling to them and i dont want to let them go, i feel like i want to take on their pain and give them some happiness and support as i know how they r feeling and i would never wish this on anyone. I hurt to know others are hurting. And then i hurt cos i know i cant take away there pain. I guess thats how my mum feels for me. Anyways i had a good day yesterday and i am hoping i will have a good day today. Im trying to eat 200 cals a day, which is good for me lately, it actualy seems huge! At one time i thought 500 was good and it made me happy, then it was 300 and then it was nada or if anything 50-100 and then id punish myself! Mentaly for my wellbeing i will eat 200 cals and just deal with it, i know i am at a weight now where i must eat or i am going to spiral down and end up in IP. that i realy dnt want, if i can eat 200 cals and exercise perhaps it will be fine, cos i still have my control. having my control keeps my happy, it keeps me feeling i have something, anorexia kind of is a friend to me that i cant see but i know it talks with me i knwo its there, i knwo it wont leave me. I know i am the only one who can break the friendship. i can trust anorexia to stick around. Does that sound fucked up? yeah perhaps it does.....i dont care what anyone thinks though! my abbs hurt today and my muscles stick out even when i am sitting here on this chair. feels kind of strange but hey its not fat i made a point to rid the fats off my stomach and it aint comming back. i have to go to the doctor today. i will write about that later, im unsure what will happen........ im just going to be honest cos i feel that doesnt matter cos they cannot switch off my mind and change it so they cant take ana away from me. Current Mood: content (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 26th, 2005
8:05 am	i can fake a smile This is going to be a long one. Firstly people who leave comments for me, you dont know how much that means to me, it means so much. thankyou. It helps me stay sain. I had a big argument with my mum on the weekend this isnt new, but it was a pretty intense fight this time. Basicaly i didnt want to talk about my weight and eating problems with her and the more she kept going at me well..... i was a ticking time bomb and i exploded and all sort of rage came exploding out of me to the point i was shaking and sweating with rage, i absolutely lost it! i eventualy gave in to her and yet told her there was nothing she could do and that she was going to push me away if she didnt give me space to work through this my own way, which was just me trying to get her to back off i dont actualy have a want to work this out. She left the house and went out to see her friend which i knwo was because i had made her feel so helpless and upset, so i drank a galooooooooon of water as i knew the drill, when she would be back wed be at it again, i wanted to stay and talk it out if i had to as the more i dodge her the more intense it gets at home. When she got home as i had presumed we were at each others throats again so i just cp-operated with her as i knew the scale would be higher cos i was stuffed with liquid. i hoped on the scale for her luckily yet disgustingly it was up about 1.5 kilo which still completely freaked hre out when she saw the number and dissapointed me and repulsed me! but i suppose it was better then her seeing the number that was there earlier that day. so shes booked me into the doctor 2morrow. This is where it all starts to get a bit tricky, last time i reached this stage it was a battle and fight and i just completely rebelled and ended up in IP! i still feel thats the only way! as i am such a stubborn little thing! Thats not the worst of it........ i have 5 stitches in my wrist. I do have a wound in my thigh i hide and when i get full of self hate and disspare i dig into it, the pain i am adapted 2 and it takes em away from other things that hurt such as emotions. This time i went to far. i dont want to kill myself i sometimes just dont think in a balanced form. My mum must have sensed something was wrong as i had the music in the bathroom up loud. She cried to me and i opened the door and she rushed me to the hospital where i spent all night getting stitched up and weighed and speaking to stupid fuckhead psychs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When u cant fall any further you run out of resorts and u push that little further, thats basicaly what i did. and i am very sorry for it. i feel so lonely but i bring that on myself i am a very lonely soul i dont like ppl trying to touch my heart though i crave it at the same time. I have a modeling competition on wednseday! some swimsuit australian model of the 2005.... im now unsure whether i will be going in it, as i have big bandage on my arm and the curve in my body i used to have has slipped away, i dont have a good set of chest anymore eh! im very self concious and scared of a whole group of ppl/stragers summing me up physicaly whilst i stand in a skimpy little string bikini. my agency isnt going to be happy with me either, they will maybe drop me until i put on a small amount of weight as i am not a catwalk model i am a sports model and photographic model. i dont have the height for catwalk, though i do local shows. i enjoy it so much more because its about the clothes and your body is just the base for the artwork ( clothes) something brighter to talk about, i bought an abb swing to workout my abbs whilst at home its great! hard work, alot harder then i imgained it could be. And i also bought a protein shake to start drinking as a meal replacement. it only has 100 cals and i will have 2 a day, it will give me moe energy i am hoping. ive changed my exercise schedule to 3 hrs a day 5 days a week and 2 hours on the weekends. i know that is alot to sum ppl but i live for exercise, i enjoy it, id rather be working on my body than sitting home doing shit all and being a lazy excuse! I believe your body is the temple for your soul and thats all it is, but why should your soul live in a repulsive state? it shows you have a weak unintelligent un repectful mind and you dnt care for yourself! Being as elite as u can and showing discipline is the best gift u can give your mind and body. Current Mood: amused (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 24th, 2005
11:00 am	i want it to hurt, i want it to be sickening, i want the pain to shine through, the pain is my love, the more the better! (Comment on this)
9:47 am	It is weired. Why save my number if he wants nothing to do with me anymore? WHY call me and pretend he didnt know and talk about some girl he is fucking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not that i care still it hurts alot! i wish he would just leave me alone, the smallest little games he plays hurt me so deeply! What ever i surrendered to you long ago and am still sinking down deep into the suffocating darkness u gave me. And i feel i always will be...... so keep doing what yur doing and i shall keep sinking for you. Your sickening desire is killing me. Well done you are suceeding. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
11:22 am	people are pathetic Somebody please teach me how to be insensitive, if only i was selfish and insensitive, my life would be better!?!?! im not sure what to say today. actualy i d have a few things on my mind. I have decided to go back onmy meds. i want to start feeling life again, i want to take that step out into the world. Im scared. everytime i do this i end up getting hurt, though pretty much numb to it now after the last few weeks of mess. My skin is alot thicker. i know i have alot to offer if i just reach in and find it. This is by no means me stating i want to recover, thats locked up in a seperate box and i have thrown away that key. I just am sick of giving away my power to people who mean shit all. ppl are just grains of sand, theres so many of us why should i end my life over one tiny grain of sand. I went to the shops earlier today, fun hmmmmm no! i dont know why but when i go to the fruit shop the men that pack and stock everything say words to each other and stare at me! It makes me feel realy nervous cos i only want a few things and it makes me feel like i need to buy alot of things just incase they think i am anorexic. Why do i care anyway. i dont know but i just do! i care what ppl think but i dont care what they think...... i kind of care about what hides in the middle there. I also went to the gym early this morning and did the weights and cardio, i love weights they just take so much out of u and u feel so great afterwards and its nice to come home and just let it all go and feel so relaxed. i hate the mirrors at the gym they are everywhere, luckily its a female only gym. Mirrors fuck me off! i dont see anything i like, i visualise cutting it off. sometimes i think if i just cut it off i will have nothing left anymore to work with and perhaps i will stop the crazy obsession and be less of a headcase. AND trust me, the last week i have beena complete headcase! Current Mood: discontent (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
10:42 am	i am still here Yesterday i didt think i was going to make it, sometimes the urge to end is so much stronger than the will to kep on living. I havent felt like that for a very long time......what i dont understand is, the more i shrink, the sadder and more desperate i get, i loose my positivitey i go further in my shell...... this happened last time aswell. The only thing that kept me fighting was the look in my mums eyes, she was so hurt, but she was hurting for me, i know she loves mem its just hard for her to say..... i cant do that to her. i am down to double didgits, though i dont want to post stats anymore, its personal now. Its not something u feel i need to share, even if no one looks at my journal. I lost alot of friends on the weekend, actualy no.... they lost me. I dont come back once i have been hurt anymore. that makes me sad cos i think to myself, if only they didnt do that i could still love them, why would they make me take away my love. It not me being stubborn, i just have nothing to give anymore.... these ppl have had more than a million chances in the past, so why wouldnt they use me again, or disrespect me, or forget what i bring to their life. Thats something i am starting to think about. the ppl i treasure i will give them so much and expect nothing. I nevr expect anything except acceptance.... i know those who love me do accept me. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 17th, 2005
11:16 am	I am trying to pretend i dont care but i do. thats the fucked up thing about it.....i dont want to care, but that feeling inside, that betrayed by someone u put on a pedistool feeling!!!! im going to throw up, though i am hungover so that could also be part of it! I hate being social, i hate people, i hate stuck up, shallow, selfish, consumer driven people! Ok im LIVID right now! its ok im going to go back into my own little world where there is just ana and myself. I cant trust nobody else. HOW MANY CHANCES DO THRY WANT????? everytime i give away anothre chance its like breaking off another piece of my heart and throwing it out to the vultures. I have decided theres no more left to give, i am all used up. i am going to save the last little bit i have left for myself and im going to hold onto it tight and never let it go. Current Mood: crushed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 16th, 2005
4:42 pm	kill me now i feel siiiick!!!!!!! im in a complaining mood. i feel sea sick and shaky....... im also rather pissed off!!!!! i have to go to a 21st tonight feeling like this, i will be getting drunk YES. im in competition with this tall 6ft slut! i hate competition! i am shy, so i know i will sit back and watch her all over him :( thats why i dont want to go..... wel see what happens. atleast i wont look like a fat ass now that im down to 100, thouugh all the alcohol im going to intake 2nite is freaking me out. i will wake up feeling like a big fat cow! i better make sure i have a good nite! and....... i despise guys. i will not live my life around them! (Comment on this)
11:14 am	I woke up late today.....i went for a realy long drive last nite. Nowhere in poticular, i drove through the city and along the whole beach, past guys houses i used to go to which felt very strange, i almost got sprung lol but i dnt think they would of known it was me.....yes i was very bored. i had to get out the house as mum had bought nando and said she had some for me, which would of resulted in world war 3. anyways back to the story, one of my ex boyfriends that i drove past walked out of his gate and he had a milk moustache......... he looked so gorgeous haha, but hey.....he broke my heart too many times i cant let myself feel for him again......he ia how should i say it.... a dog! Yay i am down to 100 pounds which is about 45.5 kg. i feel alittle sick. i have pushed so hard. My next goal is double didgits. i wake up feeling like im sinking into the bed and i wonder how i am going to ake it through the day with all the workouts, the fasting, the people. The headaches, the fevers, the numbness when ppl are communicating with me...... but then again other times i have boundless energy, and i know i radiant around ppl and they enjoy my company. ana i love waking up with you, there is no one else in the world id rather wake up and be with. you keep me from loneliness u give me self belief. together till the end. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
9:07 am	memories we sat in the rainforest, hiding from the downpour. we sat there like that till everything was black and all i could hear was your voice and the rain. That was the day we bared our souls. You told me never to forget ..... though you never will know.... i keep that moment along with every split second our souls connected deep within my heart. I dont hate you, nor do i blame you.....i blame myself, i fell in love with you, i gave my love, trust, and everyhting in between. i handed my gaurd over to you, so u could use it for yourself. I offered myself to you as something to lash out your pain on. You may have made my skin black and blue and left me in a sea of red. But i dont blame you. That is just my skin. Its my soul that was left crying silently in the corner.....for that i blame myself....as you didnt make me love you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
3:10 pm	have decided to start a fast 2morrow..... basicaly to re strengthen my mental power. i want to be stronger, i want to push harder i want to accomplish more, i want more dramatic results. im feeling very committed and eager about this. im going to continue workingout and drinking lots of water. i am not dumb, i know it can be bad for you, so i have decided i will allow vegetable juice. my weight is 102 and today it was 103..... not happy. but my body fat has gone down so im not to worried. its going to push me and its going to hurt and feel sickening. i am aware of that. so my journal entries may be very negative and depressing at times. for that i apologise... though this is my place to bare my soul. im searching for a deeper power. something a little more, i hope its there. perhaps its all psychological, if i want it to be there it will be??? i suppose i will find out. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
4:13 pm	the lengths that i will go to..... trying to keep a hold of you, and i dont know if i can do it.... i hear you laughing, i hear you scream, you see me try every whisper, every waking hour im choosing my confesisons, trying to keep a hold of you........... bought me to my kness. atleast everyday, whilst i hear you laughing, i hear you scream....and all i can do is try trying to keep up with you... dont know if i can do it. i hurt too much, u say i dont hurt enough (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 12th, 2005
4:33 pm	i feel realy pathetic today. i cant say anything right, nor how i want to. i have come to the conclusion....people just dont care. they are all so self absorbed. they ask how you are but do they realy care. what if i just broke down and showed how i realy am....no..... i just say im good thanx. thats what they want to hear. though people say it without evening generaly meaning it with compassion. i think the phrase how are you should be banned! im going to the gym tonite. i just want to be at the end of the week when the scale has gone down more. my body fat index shows its gone up????? i have lost weight though so go figure? my water level is below...52% is the lowest it is allowed to be and its at 46% i cant possibly drink anymore water. unless i want to spend the day on the toilet...... anywayz ciao (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
10:26 am	goodone leesh!!! ok i wrote a tone of stuff and i lost it. blah so anyways i cant be bothered going into detail again! im hav accomplished my latest goal. i am now down to 102. ok so i want to throw up i feel the sick, but ive grown very fond of that feeling. also i have alot of energy lately. i have been working out at the gym 2 hours a day plus weights and living on 300cals a day. i still dont see perfection. but perfection is infinent. when will it be enough. makes me question myself. i do believe it isnt about the weight. for me im addicted to the pain, the struggle, the succcess and power. im growing very close to my ana, the lower my weight goes the stronger i dont want to leave it. i was in the car yesterday and i heared i song that realy touched me. i connected with it my ED. its by avril lavigne- fall to pieces. expresses how i feel more then i can myself. anyways im going to keep going. i know when i get to 99 i will feel extremely accomplished. though from there i will go further. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2005
1:38 pm	i dont want this anymore. my back aches. im empty, depressed and lethergic. i cant think, i cant be bothered talking.....not even on the fone. i am fucked. im realy hating myself. i just want to be ok and happy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
12:35 pm	haha ok so it didnt work last ime....but im learning Eating Disorder Survey What type of eating disorder do you have? anorexia and cumpolsive exercising Are you clinically or self-diagnosed? both Do you use Laxatives? no they dont work! Do you purge? very rarely Do you take Diet Pills? yes yes yes How long have you had an ED? 4 years Is your best friend aware of your eating patterns? no but they are suspicious Are you in recovery? no Are you afraid of recovery? yes If you could be any height what would it be? 5'7 If you could be any weight, what would it be? 100 pounds going down and down... How many calories do you eat a day? never over 500. a good day is nada How much do you exercise? 12 hours a week Do you want to recover? not at the moment, but ofcourse i will need 2.... Do you cut/scrape yourself to relieve tension/stress? yes but nothing extreme Do your parents make you eat? i live with my mum and she doesnt. Do you think you are pretty? i can be prettier Do you believe in God? yes Thanks for completing this survey! (Comment on this)
11:58 am	this month sucks already i stuck this survery in here.... the stupid code wouldnt work so i just pasted it. basicaly a self reflection. today im in a sucky mood. i almost killed myself at the gym. ok thats a bit over exageration!!!! the weights were so heavy. a ran and ran on the treadmil which got rid of my stress. my eating habits have been all over the shop. i was hoping this mnth would be better than last. its fucking worse. mind games in my head are realy tormenting me lol. i am starving but just the smell of food makes me extremely frustrated and anxious. anyways i want to fast. its hard when u do it by yourself lol. i need some a pal to come join me. push each other. anyone wants to come join me :) Eating Disorder Survey What type of eating disorder do you have? Are you clinically or self-diagnosed? Do you use Laxatives? Do you purge? Do you take Diet Pills? How long have you had an ED? Is your best friend aware of your eating patterns? Are you in recovery? Are you afraid of recovery? If you could be any height what would it be? If you could be any weight, what would it be? How many calories do you eat a day? How much do you exercise? Do you want to recover? Do you cut/scrape yourself to relieve tension/stress? Do your parents make you eat? Do you think you are pretty? Do you believe in God? Thanks for completing this survey! (1 Comment |Comment on this)